It will be two years in August since I wrote this. It’s a blog post that came about during the time I was told I would be treated for Bipolar disorder for the rest of my life. My trial without medication had failed and I was as unwell again, It was a blow to say the least.
The truth is that sometimes in life we suffer huge blows that only God understands. Praying it away isn’t working, faith for a miracle just feels like the stuff of fairy tales, and if one more person tells me God will turn this situation for good, so help me, I’ll!!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe in prayer, miracles and God turning our sorrows for good but sometimes, the cold truth of it is that suffering continues, it carries on and on and we have to live with it daily, despite our trust in a good God. It was at this time that I asked God “how do I make sense of this?” here’s what happened:
Don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
By Leanna Ellena, Aug 17 2016 09:18PM
What makes a good testimony?
So my Mum once commented on her observation that most people will share their testimony in church when they are at the end of it, that she has heard many wonderful stories of how God helped someone get through a really difficult time, but rarely do people stand up and say today I’m having to remain faithful when it comes to my prayer for a breakthrough, nobody likes to say out loud that God hasn’t given the answer yet. And so I ask the question…
So with this in mind I want to explain to you that I’m currently working my way out of one of life’s big set backs. It’s still very much a difficult time for me and my family and to be honest with you it’s not always been easy to trust a God who seems to have gone back on his word or vanished at a time when I needed to feel his presence the most. I’m able to share with you that lately I have felt angry, confused and at times abandoned by God, wondering where the blessings lie in the middle of my mess.
As I glance to the left and right, as I sit in the pews on a typical Sunday morning I realise that I’m not alone, many of the people I fellowship with have faced their own challenging situations some are still facing their own big life setbacks today, alongside me. That is why I feel it’s important to blog about faith in the hardest times.
…I needed a Revelation
and so I went for a drive, I needed to collect some vinyl for work, and it was a two hour round trip. Deep down I wondered what revelation I needed in order to carry on with God, I wondered how I start trusting completely in his love after this situation seemed to threaten my faith in him.
Here’s what I felt
The Gospel of grace (good news of Jesus Christ) is truth! In that… There is a God, he loves me and he sent Jesus to die on the cross for me.
The Gospel of grace is truth! In that… I’m free, loved, righteous and healed by his stripes (same as any other believer.)
In accepting the Gospel of grace I go back to the beginning, to the Garden of Eden, so like Adam and Eve, I am living out an existence where I’m in relationship with the one true God.
My reality today is that my situation doesn’t fully add up, I don’t know why things are the way they are and I wonder if I’ll ever fully understand this.
Which basically means I have gone full circle
If I want to go back to that garden, living life in true relationship with God, I’ll have to accept the tree of knowledge is still their too, with it’s fruit in full bloom. It was intentionally placed there.
You see the Gospel, the one he designed! It aims to set the captives free, so that his people may reign in life.
And so I guess what God’s suggestion to me is…
That I don’t eat this apple (don’t stress, worry or concern myself with WHY)
That apple is not for me.
Instead, I choose to be content with the fact that I don’t understand everything, but he does. It’s a big ask! a desire to have all the knowledge was an issue for Adam and Eve, and God sees it’s an issue for me today.
I have concluded that to be content with not understanding everything is to fully know Jesus, accept his peace and truly reign in life!!!
Still fighting the good fight of faith
And I’m still very much “getting there” to be honest. Today I simply dare to whisper that God is good despite my circumstances.
My fight is about learning to leave that apple alone, however shiny and tempting it seems. my problem is just a bit of fruit that looks appealing but isn’t good for me, I’m not to even taste it, let alone try to chew on it or digest it.
So if your facing your own set back today and wonder where is a loving God in all of this?
I’m writing today, only to say…
I know, I really do get it, I understand how hard it is and God bless you.
Love Leanna Ellena xx